


Not here

by Inkgirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: A little angst, Character Study, Maybe - Freeform, No Plot, No other characters, analyzing Cas, and angels in general, human!Cas, just his thoughts, nada - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-11 08:05:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2060439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkgirl/pseuds/Inkgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is protector and soldier and brother and son, an angel, a being of life and light.<br/>Cas is a human, with wrinkles and shaking hands and an empty soul who tries to remember his former self, but humans aren't capable to understand angels, and so he forgets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not here

It was long ago that his mind was filled with the voices of his brothers and sisters. 

Too long for his liking, he missed them, the purity of their joy, their songs and thoughts and love and light. 

Now… now his head was empty. His mind was empty, just his own thoughts flitting through it, searching something lost with memories of light and grace and flight. He was so much once, he was protector and soldier, he was beloved and loving brother, he was part of the eternity, he was the Shield of God.

 

He was Castiel. 

 

Now he was just Cas. 

 

Cas, shortened by a human, his name cut like his being, Cas, shortened into human. 

Human, with aching back and heavy feet and in need of water and sleep and constant company of creatures he couldn’t reach, nor with mind or understanding.   
He was trapped in this little vessel, this little human body, now fully his, and the humans could say as much as they wanted, they didn’t understand that he wasn’t human. 

He was neither human nor animal or creature, he was a being once, a being of light and life and love itself, but they treated him like he was one of them, like they forgot every day anew that he was millennia old, had seen the beginning of life and universe, had knowledge over everything of this tiny world they called Earth and threatened like it belonged them. 

 

He smiles back at them, allowes his facial muscles to form the mimic the find friendly and kind and reassuring, and withdraws his mind and his memories from the surface of his new being as human, dwells in the remaining drops of his grace and baths in it to remember, his eternity is gone but he was once so more, and so not filled with loneliness.

 

It is not that he doesn’t like them, not at all, he, even when they don’t understand, is kind of fond of them.   
They are a fix point in his universe now, if nothing else has last, they are here with him and if they don’t know the right ways and thoughts, they at least try to do the right things. 

He can relate to them, they are here and in the same ‘fucked up’ – as Dean prefers to refer to the situation – mess and he can trust them to fight. 

It is nice in a way he never knew, having beings standing by his side, who have his back, just from friendship and trust, without duty and heavenly orders.

It is a companionship he didn’t know to exist. 

Yes, like he claimed before, he is millennia old and has seen way too much to comprehend in his (now human) mind, he knows of history and the orders of the universe more than any other race out there, but the deep aspects of humanity are closed for him.

So he smiles at them and pretends that he has become human when he was an angel before (what he doesn’t understand, why do they think it is the normal order from demon to human to angel, he could, now when he’s not an angel anymore, also be a moth or a ficus or a bacillus. Humans aren’t close or related to angels, not more than any other being.). 

 

He nods and speaks in their language like he was born with it and allows them a few glimpses to his knowledge, but deep inside he withdraws, sinks into the last remains and memories of an unfulfilled eternity and prays, to his father and his siblings and every possible creature he knows or can imagine, for help. 

 

Whether for help to go back to what he was or help to die and _forget forget forget_ everything and anything, that is something even he doesn’t know.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first story in AO3, and the first story I've written in english, so I apologize for every error (and beg for corrections). I didn't really know what else to write and since I've been on AO3 for months and have more bookmarks than it is sane I decided to post at least one thing. Hope you enjoy


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